Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
