yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
