I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Randomize
