the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
