all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So much rum. So many feels.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
