I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
