He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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