I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
