I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
