Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
