Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
