I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
