the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
