I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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