i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
