when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
