I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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