allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
wanna go halves on a baby?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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