My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
