two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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