Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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