I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
