hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
