Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
