Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
