Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
organizing the empties. That sober.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
