I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
