I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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