We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
