C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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