she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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