I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
