OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
barbara walters just said penis...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
