Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
