i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
