i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
