Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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