we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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