Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
Dude. She just shit herself.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.