So drunk, too bad you don't want this
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
