Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
