Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
