are you still at the devil's house?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
3 2 1 whiskey
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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