One girl and one boy is just not enough.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
