im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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