Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
