Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
