if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
