mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
