Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
