I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I need to wash the frat house off of me
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
