is your mom at the bar?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Randomize
