chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
