This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize