I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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