he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
