I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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