Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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