New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
