So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
