This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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