I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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