She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
