I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
