I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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